Happy ACL Fest announcement day! Perhaps its time to revisit some clickbait about the worst people I have experienced at shows and festivals. You know these people! The asshats who care more about themselves than they do the communal experience of enjoying live music. Here are some people and behaviors to avoid.
Free Ticket Frank
Wow. Your friend’s band is finally back on tour and you have the balls to ask for a free ticket? What kind of shitty supportive friend are you? Buy the ticket, take the ride and help feed the artists you love instead of continuing to be a freeloader. Also, buy some damn merch.
Cut the Line Carol
We are all going to get inside the damn venue. There is no need to cut the line when everyone else is patiently waiting to get inside. You will see the show.
You might be vaccinated, it might be a fake lizard person conspiracy, or you just don’t care BUT some venues still require you to wear masks when in common areas. Don’t be that half-assed courageous wannabe ass that starts a fight with some kid working a job because you are too pussy to cover your face for five minutes. You are not a hero, you’re an ass, ass ASS.
There’s Pushing Paul. The guy who pushes his way into your area, which is already crowded, you think he’s going to keep going but then he just stops right in front of you.
Front of the Line Fail Lindy
It’s an unspoken rule in society. We are a unit. A team. All of us. Whether you are waiting to get in the park, ordering a beer, or are next in line at the port-a-potty; HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER and be ready to roll when called upon! Unlike Carol you are in no rush to get in and hold the rest of us back from catching the opener by dilly-dallying.
Brings own Beer Brett
Listen, we get it. Drinks can be expensive BUT we just got out of a pandemic. Venues are suffering, bartenders are suffering and so is everyone else in the fragile service/entertainment industry ecosystem you are exploiting. You bought the ticket, spend some damn cash and buy a few drinks (just don’t forget to tip). And bottled beer? Really dude?
Berlin Wall of Dudes
275lbs, 6’8″ and somehow the smallest of your friend group that pushed your way to the front of the show. Head to the back with me and let the short folks enjoy the view for once. Furthermore, why are you at the Chainsmokers, dude(s)?
This is NOT A Mosh Pit Nick
This a Glass Animals show. This song is super slow. This is not the environment for a six foot bro to be plunging himself into a row of teenage girls.
Could Care Less Laci
You waited an hour to get side stage, had to flirt with an ex to get wristbands from his company, and then pushed your way to the front. But instead of enjoying Local Natives from the best spot at the venue, you are on your phone or talking loudly with a friend.
Insta Story Sarah
OMG she’s like, totally gotta cover all the show ASAP rather than actually enjoy it! She’s found the PERFECT filter, put a top hat on M83, and even found a decent connection to post one of her 20 TikToks (all during the first song). Meanwhile, you are distracting everyone else trying to enjoy the live music experience.
Sound Expert Shawn
Don’t got get about sound expert Shawn who spends the whole show critiquing the live mix and EQ.
Crowd Surfing Carlisle
This isn’t that sort of show, bro. It’s Band of Horses, you are hammered, and weigh 230 pounds. GET OFF US!
Sweaty Shirtless Samuel
At some point you are going to make physical contact with another human and that’s just disgusting. Put your shirt on you hairy, sweaty shit. This isn’t college anymore.
Spits Water Into the Air Walter
When sweating in the thick of a crowd, under the heat of the Texas sun; no thinks to themselves: “I wish someone would spit water so high into the air so it rains down upon us like a fine refreshing mist.” You are WAY WORSE THAN SAMUEL AND COVID IS STILL A THING!
Willie Weed Guy
Willie cannot go five minutes without whipping out his dugout and awkwardly trying forever to light it so he can cough a hit of skunk weed all over your neck.
Giant Flag Gerry
We get it. You want attention. You want to be the rallying cry – the focal point of your friend’s festival existence. However, you’ve had 16 Miller Lites, your shoddily constructed pole keeps knocking into people, and we can’t see the stage!
Hot Cindi on the Shoulders
Similar to Giant Flag Gerry, you are drunk, knocking into everyone and blocking the view (okay if 21+ and topless).
Benny the Baby Bringer
Your kids don’t want to be there, you don’t want them with you, and it makes the rest of us depressed watching your sunburnt offspring cry in the beer line. Get a sitter, stay home, or catch Mumford & Sons next year.
Paint Huffing Pauli
Dude. Wait. Did I really just see that? You are huffing spray paint – at a giant outdoor music festival? So, so many questions… but first I have to scramble to get my iPhone camera – ah dammit he’s gone.
Camp Family Robinson
Every year people pack a week’s worth of newly purchased REI gear and head to a show only to hunker down in the chair zone for a nap. Worst off, you are always behind them in the security line.
Anyone named Matt is just the fucking worst. Seriously, why would you invite him? He doesn’t even listen to rap. He’s pretending to sing along to Schoolboy Q.
Anyone with a Flash Tat
Have fun at Kygo.
Harriet Swag Hoarder
She’s carrying a bag of sunglasses, six waters, has a tote filled with organic peanut butter samples, and keeps stopping every ten yards to pick up all the crap she dropped.
Ironic Fashion Ferdinand
Normal festival fashion is a bitch to deal with now this? Take those dick shirts and shove them up your ass!
“But ver German!” Oh, okay.
Wait! Who’s your favorite club in the Bundesliga?
“ahhhh, uuuh, Schalke 04?”
LIARS! You just want your picture taken.
Aggressive Bro, Angry Bae
Some people are just ready for a fight. Aggressive bro is drunk, on pre-workout with Adderall, and he’s ready to kick the shit out of you! He walks fast and you better move out of his way. He is going to muscle you out of any space and if you happen to knock into him during Kendrick, better be ready to rumble. Angry Bae just wants to talk shit but is not past clawing your face off or getting all of her friends involved.
Nothing is good enough for her. She’s got to hustle, bustle and push her way to all the secret areas of any stage or festival. If security DARE question her she raises hell. Sidestage with free booze? NOT GOOD ENOUGH! She needs to be on stage, playing with the band and getting an IV of Whiteclaw directly into her rectum. “OMG, my friends will be so jelly. Now it’s time to leave and make my way back stage so more people can see me watching another band.”
Wristband Douche Danni
Screw you and your VIP access to all the free booze, food, and air conditioned porta-potties. Why are you even here?
Anyone Who Stands in This Line
Walker Lukens is playing right now and you’ve been waiting for an hour, in the sun, to have an idiot you don’t know take a blurry, basic ass picture of you in the ACL Fest Frame? Pro Tip: Get there before 4pm or wait until it gets dark. Or don’t.
Friend of your Ex Felicity
Oh god dammit why do I always run into you? Why do you always look so hot? No, I don’t have a molly hookup. Yes, let’s get a beer. Yes, I did bring my wallet. Oh, this is Dave? Cool good to meet your date. Sure, I’ll take your picture. Oh, at the giant frame? Sure, I’ll wait in line with you two. Good seeing you as well! Yeah, sure I’ll catch y’all at Die Antwoord.
Fuck you and your Indian Chief hat, neon tank top and everything else you roided up Real Estate Broker who preys on teen girls at edm shows. Go back to Rainey.
Too Fucked Up Fred and Fiona
You know what makes me want to get all Jim Morrison? Corinne Bailey Rae. Learn to control your drinking, learn to drug right, and keep your genitals in your pants.
Blanket Fort Brecken
Much like Giant Flag Gerry, your group MUST hang at all times. Only, you’ve decided to post up at one area, set up 50 square feet of blankets and block them off with lawn chairs. Feel free to extend the block to the main foot path and cuss out anyone who dare tread on the corner of your blanket.
Patchouli isn’t working bro. You’ve been dancing all day and now feel the need to bump into me every other song. Go take a dip in Barton Springs with a bar of soap.
Fuck seeing any music or enjoying life. Pete sits his Tommy Bahama wearing ass back stage, sipping on free tequila, judging and bitching about how much he hates music festivals. Meanwhile, his hot wife is grinding with frat bros at Flume.
I am literally the worst (not as bad as Matt). Enjoy having fun at live music again and be excellent to others.