Halloween has come to an end, surely your sugar crash will be over soon; it’s time to discuss some of your recent regrettable decisions. Specifically, your poor choice to sport that lame, tired, cliche Halloween costume.
Think you and your friends are original? Take a scroll through your favorite social media account and tell me how many fucking Bob Ross’ you see. Sure, it was easy and quick to assemble. You just had to snag a wig and stop by Hobby Lobby for a pallet and some paint brushes. I get it; you are busy and getting a costume isn’t your first priority.
That doesn’t excuse your poor taste. Feel that? That’s shame. You know what you did. Now, let’s see how you can be better next year.
Here are 12 Halloween Costumes that should be forever retired:
Anything Tiger King
It is true that Exotic Joe, Carol and the gang never got to have their Halloween heyday but this is no normal year. March was a lifetime ago and bored-at-home Internet comedians and office moms drove this shit into the fucking ground.
Reason for Retiring: No Longer Relevant, Dead Horse, well tiger, has been beaten enough, no ‘take’ you do will be creative enough.
This costume might have finally overthrown reigning champ Mia Wallace (see below) as the default basic bitch go-to costume. Take that shit to a convention or be a bit more original and go as one of the other Birds of Prey.
Reason for Retiring: There are at least three at every party.
Thankfully there will not be any big money costume contests this year because over the last decade plus in every neighborhood there is some asshat who amazes moms with their stupid bumblebee outfit. I get it. You spent a lot of money on this so you want to wear it as often as possible but maybe it is time to reinvent yourself since there hasn’t been a transformers movie in a couple of years (or a good one ever).
Reason for Retiring: You got to move on some day, everyone gets sick of you winning the costume contest every year.
Anyone from the Office
The costumes aren’t creative, the show isn’t funny and you’re not as creative or funny.
Reason for Retiring: Lacks Creativity + Jim Sucks and So Does Facebook.
Yes, you took a lot of time painting your face and a few people laughed when you asked if they had drank Baileys from a shoe. So the costume was worth it, right? Wrong! The Mighty Boosh hasn’t been on television in over a decade, Old Gregg is the one bit that fratdaddy at your office continually parrots, and the six minute skit really isn’t that funny.
Reason for Retiring: No Longer Relevant + You Made a Green Mess in my Bathroom, Cassie.
As stated above, this costume is too easy, very basic, and less creative than a painting with wine night “party.”
Reason for Retiring: Basic + You Put Real Paint on Your Pallet and I had to Take My Dog to the Vet, Steve. God Damn.
This costume can be all over the place. From a dude with real hair, a working musket and actual monkey … to someone that clearly stopped at Party City on the way to the bar. The result is the same: eye rolls.
Reason for Retiring: Even the Johnny Depp Jack Sparrow is played out.. What makes you think your poor impression will suddenly impress?
Mia Wallace, Pulp Fiction
Every year hundreds of basic Bs throw on a wig, white shirt, and glue a fake needle to their chests. Hundreds. Every year.
Reason for Retiring: Cliche + You Haven’t Even Seen the Movie, Rebecca.
Edina and Patsy form Ab/Fab
Oh, you think you are being “a bloody genius” with this one (and it is a step up from Mia Wallace). However, you are still not being that unique. There is at least one of these duos at every Halloween party.
Reason for Retiring: I Didn’t Watch the Show So I Don’t Get It and that makes me Angry + We Get That You’re Best Friends, Stacy & Mikayla. We Get It.
The Mother of Dragons was a pretty cool look when Khal Drogo was still alive, but now every costume contest has a cheap blonde wig dressed in a sheet with a stuffed dragon.
Reason for Retiring: Looks Cheap + I Need My Bed Sheet Back, Jenn.
That Stupid Inflatable T-Rex
I really just hate these.
Reason for Retiring: Because I Hate Them + You “Couldn’t Clean” Because You “Couldn’t Reach?”
It’s just a dumb mask. Is that really all the effort you can muster? Why even bother trying at anything in life?
Reason for Retiring: It is Just a Dumb Mask + You Don’t Have the Balls to Handle a Purge, John.
Classic costumes shouldn’t really be trashed here but the renaissance caused by Heath Ledger’s Joker is worthy of noting. According to science, there are, on average, 2.5 Dark Knight Jokers per every one Halloween party and 3 Suicide Squad Joker + Harley Quinn couples. That is two too many if you ask me.
Reason for Retiring: Science + You’ve Never Danced With The Devil In the Pale Moon Light, Matt.
Social Media Filters
Oh, you’re a cute deer? Put on a flower crown? Why is this a thing? How did this become a thing? Who dresses up like this?
Reason for Retiring: Basic A/F + All You Were Doing Was Taking Selfies WITH A FILTER.
CJ Morgan Dressing Skimpy
From the Internet:
- “President Trump or any politician: We get it. You own a suit.”
- “Wednesday Addams or Rosie the Riveter… I am sry but basic a/f.”
- “Any too soon or not soon enough comes off hack now.”
- “Sexy Animals.”
- “Generic ass Hogwarts Robes with a stick.”
- “Stranger Things.”
About the Author
CJ Morgan is not a writer. He is a click-bait hack and angry radio DJ who is bitter over the fact no one ever clicks on his stuff and that he will never be famous enough.