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Morning X Blog
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Interns and Liars and Cannibals, oh my!
 Posted
7/28/2010 10:01:00 AM
CASSANDRA’S QUITTING EVERYTHING:
Already hurt by the fact that Sorority Intern is abandoning us at
the end of the week, Jason had to call Cassandra out on two Facebook
faux pas: first, she commented on his wall to say that his band, the
Ligers, should do a reunion show for her going-away party. Only
problem is that his softball team is called the Ligers and his ex-band
is called the Sucktones. Whoops. Number two is that, before she could
comment on his wall, she had to friend request him. He wondered how
they were just now becoming friends on Facebook, but apparently they
were friends before, but she maybe kind of deleted him. Ouch. Turns
out that her boyfriend, Russell, has an ex who is obsessed with him,
who wrote on his wall some inappropriate things, so Cassandra made him
delete her. He replied that Jason makes inappropriate comments about
her all the time, so she deleted Jason just to please him. The real
tragedy of this whole situation? Russell has now deleted his entire
Facebook account, so we can’t watch SI’s tiffs with him on there
anymore. Shame.
THE INTERNS STRIKE BACK:
Sorority Intern Cassandra is leaving us, and while it’s gonna be difficult to fill SI’s shoes, we’re still gonna try. In the running are interns Son of a Preacher Man Alex and Other Guy Penis DJ Intern Nick. SOAP Man bought some time on the show for some political commercials – that are really more like public service announcements. They spread the information that Nick eats babies. It’s a fact. Look it up. Nick, in turn, made some spots to spread some information about Alex. Is he really a nerd? Or an actual son of a preacher man? Why are these and so many mysteries from the Lost series finale left unanswered? All very valid questions. With these things in mind, starting tomorrow you, listeners, will choose who will be the new Sorority Intern through some very scientific method. Listen tomorrow for more information on that, and come out to the Midtown Commons tomorrow at W. St. John and Lamar from 5-8 PM, along with some free food and booze and your chance to win ACL passes. It's our Anniversary/Goodbye SI Party and your chance to say goodbye to Cassandra and hello to a Baby Eater and/or a Liar. (But, hey, which one is worse? Just something to think about.)
WILL JASON MAKE OUT WITH A LESBIAN?:
You would think the answer would be obvious, but somehow there’s even
the slimmest chance that this might happen. We started talking about
this earlier this week: Jason hung out with a new friend who is a
lesbian who was being somewhat flirty last weekend, which made him
wonder if there’s a chance. There’s a new development today: an
e-mail from the lady in question. Duh duh duhhhh. She explained that
she’s referred to as a “gold star lesbian,” meaning she’s never had sex
with a guy ever before, and she refers to herself as a “platinum
lesbian,” because she’s never even fooled around with one before.
Unless she’s obliterated she wouldn’t even be inclined to do so in any
way. But, she would be lying if she didn’t agree that it’s fun to make
out with people. What does this mean?!?! Deb loves this, because this
woman is leading Jason on, which is hilarious. And she’s right.
TRUTH OR PAIR:
Usually we play a game called Truth or Pair to allow you to ask Jason
and Deb questions about anything you’ve ever wanted to know, but since
it’s Cassandra’s last week, we decided to do an all-Sorority Intern
version of the game all this week. Today Justin called in to ask her
if she’d ever fantasized about another guy while with her boyfriend.
She said of course not. Have you seen those abs? (That’s a quote, by
the way – not my words.) Curtis wondered if she’d given nicknames to
her “sweater puppets.” Russell calls them chi chis, but she’s never
done it. She’ll do it if Jason names his – they’re Furry and Spot,
apparently. We’d rather not know which one is which or why (wanna take a guess, based on the picture?). Nathan
wondered if she’d ever worn her underwear for more than one day in a
row. Plus her boyfriend does the laundry every two days or so anyway.
Awww.
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN S.I.?
Cassandra is quitting at the end of this week. Maybe you heard. So
how better to say goodbye to her than to make fun of her general
ignorance in a game we like to call Are You Smarter than Sorority
Intern? (You probably are, just in case you were wondering.) Dennis
called in to play against SI in a States-And-Capitals version; first
one to three won. What’s the capital of Alaska? Dennis guessed Nome,
but the correct answer was Juneaux. Cassandra was very snappy in
saying that the capital of Maryland is Annapolis, and Dennis fired back
by getting St. Paul for Minnesota. Could SI get Virginia? She guessed
Montpelier, but it was actually Richmond. Dennis – Wisconsin? He got
Madison right away. Olympus was SI’s answer for Washington, but the
correct answer is actually Olympia. Montana’s capital is not Billings,
which Dennis didn’t guessed. Cassandra got Des Moines for Iowa, which
made it two for everyone. Pressure’s on. Could Dennis guess
Connecticut? Hartford was the answer, but he had no idea. What about
Missouri? Cassandra took the win with Jefferson. Well done, kid.
Going out with a bang.
THAT GUY:
Every week we shine a light on That Guy – the guy (or girl) who does something douchey and either doesn’t realize it or doesn’t apologize for it. Today’s That Guy was Reply-All-Joke-Guy. Every office has That Guy, and ours has about four. Teen. The real problem with this That Guy is that they breed; as soon as one shows up, it’s like a virus that spreads through the whole office. It’s bad enough that you’re using the reply-all, rather than just replying to that one person about whom you’re making the joke, but as soon as the joke gets lost in translation, that’s where it really goes downhill. Today we specifically called out Baby-Eater Intern Nick, who did this a few days ago. Initially all the people in the building were That Guy as they all made jokes about a certain eyeliner-sporting band canceling their show, but Nick sent an e-mail with his particular brand of humor that just ended it all. Deb read it and deleted it immediately because she was so embarrassed. Unless you really know him, you’d think he was a huge dick, so as soon as everyone read how crazy this e-mail sounded, the reply-alls immediately ended. So, really, we should be thanking B.E. Intern.
I LOVE YOU CALL:
Every day we call a random business and try to trick the person answering the phone into telling Deb, “I love you.” Deb is on an historic losing streak. If she got butt-slammed today it would make a two-week streak. In order to prompt an I Love You, and in order to compete further for Cassandra’s job, SOAP Man Alex made a theme song for the I Love You Call. It’s inspirational, heartfelt, and calls Deb a disagreeable ho. What more could she ask for? We called Deb’s Bakery today, so Deb said that she was going to come visit them, because her boyfriend is a chef and went to school near their location. But, upon talking to their Deb, we found out that they’re actually closing the store because business is so bad, and there’s someone coming by next week to look at the place. To add insult to injury, their Deb herself got diagnosed with Celiac disease, so she’s allergic to flour, which means she can’t be in the business anymore. Rather than crying, our Deb tried her best to squeeze an I Love You out of their Deb, but it was to no avail. Tragedy. Should we take a break from I Love You Calls for a while? This is getting a little too depressing.
BLUE THEATRE:
We heard about a cool event going on that we wanted to share with you. The Blue Theatre, a performance space in East Austin, is getting revamped, and they need your help. On August 1st they’re having a fundraiser complete with local bands, cocktails from Tito’s Vodka, and food from Old School BBQ. Sounds pretty sweet. And it all benefits a place where our local artists can come and do what they do best, be they bands, actors, filmmakers, or visual artists. Check out more information at bluetheatre.org.
DOES DEB KNOW STUFF?:
In our newly-renamed quiz, Does Deb Know Stuff, we “trivialize” Deb by asking her questions about a variety of topics and laugh when she doesn’t know the answers. Today we did Oksana Grigorieva trivia, since another audio clip of Mel yelling at her surfaced today. Is she over or under 38 years old? Over is correct – she was born in 1970. She wrote and performed a song for what Mel Gibson movie? Her guess was Edge of Darkness, his most recent one, which was absolutely correct. And gross. How many albums has Oksana released? The correct answer is not her guess of 6, but 1 – Beautiful Heartache.
REWIND: JASON’S UNMANLY MOMENT:
Jason had three moments of unmanliness in a single day earlier this week. As soon as he got home around noon, he noticed it was unusually warm. So he went upstairs and saw that his AC was, in fact, not functioning. This would happen at the end of July, in the heat of the summer. His first instinct was to call his mom. She helped by calling an AC repairman. The repairman asked if Jason had checked the breaker box. Jason didn’t even know where the breaker box was! The repairman was up there for about 90 minutes, and he just needed to replace a fuse. Jason had no idea how to change a fuse, and he still doesn’t have a clue after all that. Well, I guess every man has his weak moments.
SPORTS:
Terrell Owens has signed with the Bengals in a multimillion-dollar deal. This is the first time in NFL history when a team has had two wide receivers with their own reality shows (T.O. and Chad Ochocinco). Something to be proud of, Bengals.
Dez Bryant, new Cowboys wide receiver, is now saying that he “didn’t know nothing” about the rookie traditions, in the face of the massive controversy since he didn’t want to carry his senior team members’ pads in training camp.
After the Marlins game a few nights ago, one teammate was trying to hit another during an after-game interview with a pie to the face ended up tearing his meniscus in the process.
NEWS:
Yesterday a picture of Oksana Grigorieva was released from the day after her infamous altercation with Mel Gibson, looking a little beat up. In barely-related news, apparently Mel Gibson has buried the placentas of all his kids in the backyard along with trees planted above them. Gross.
Today is the first day that the controversial Arizona immigration law goes into effect. Temporary jail housing has been cleared in Mariposa County for this effort.
Michael Jackson is a dad. Well, he’s dead, and when he was alive, he was already supposedly a father. But, hey, look at those kids – there’s no way. There was a rumor, though, when he was 17, that he had a fling with Diana Ross’ sister.
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Son of a Preacher Man
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